Some days I just feel so overwhelmed. Like today. Starting off the morning with a mini-pukefest thanks to morning sickness that's still around at 28 weeks definitely doesn't help. Especially when your 25-month-old is simultaneously clinging to your leg and whining for you to read her a book. This somewhat harrowing episode was followed by a crying tantrum over whether or not to have flakes in our cereal this morning. Nothing could calm her down, so it was a grit-your-teeth and wait-it-out kind of meltdown. Lovely!
Add to that the fact that the summer heat (and awful DC humidity) are starting to rear their ugly heads, and you've got one cranky mamma on your hands. Zoey has already squished my lungs to the point where I'm constantly short of breath, and being outside in the heat just makes breathing more difficult. (Not to mention the nasty sweating that already accompanies my pregnancies Now that it's getting hot out, I'm changing sweat-drenched clothes three times a day!) But who can stay indoors all day long with a squirmy toddler who just wants to run around and be free? It's just not feasible, or fair, or healthy. So outside we must venture. All I keep thinking is, it's going to be a looooong summer!
But long summer or not, Zoey's arrival is quickly approaching. In fact, we have less than 12 weeks now, should I make it to my due date of September 7th. The reality of this is also starting to freak me out. Feelings of inadequacy as a mother and wife are taking over, and I'm plagued by negative thoughts that keep creeping into my brain. How am I going to juggle two kids when it's hard enough to deal with just one? Is Elliott going to be OK with this huge change in her life? Will my relationship with her weaken, as I find myself passing her off more and more to Ryan when I have to deal with the newborn? Will I be as attached to Zoey as I am to Elliott, since I won't be able to give her the undivided attention I did with my firstborn? Will Ryan and I ever have quality time together again, or will we become one of those couples who grows distant thanks to the many challenges of parenthood?
28 weeks pregnant and counting.
Ellie is definitely fascinated by my growing belly!
It's true that I'm equally excited about the future and cannot wait to meet our little Zoey. But lately the self-doubt has been kind of relentless. In the old days, I would have harnessed all these feelings and written and recorded some sad, sappy song. Or maybe I would have channeled them into a short story or poem. But my creativity has waned big time since becoming a mom - yet another reason I feel so down lately. I don't even have calluses on my fingers anymore, so playing the guitar literally hurts. Writing is basically confined to sending emails and maintaining this blog (my so-called attempts at novel writing ceased somewhere around the 25 page mark, as soon as the morning sickness and fatigue of pregnancy set in.)
I don't even know what to do with the few hours of alone time I'm able to muster every couple of months. Today, after witnessing a much needed crying spell of mine, Super-Ryan whisked Elliott out the door to give me some time to myself. Grabbing a coffee and doughnut from Starbucks (too much caffeine and sugar, but it did feel good at the time!) and publicly complaining via my blog were all I could think of to do with my time. I know this is a self-deprecating thing to say, but how lame is that?!
I'm going to call it quits before I get too carried away with the self-loathing. And hey, let's look on the bright side - pregnancy is an emotional roller-coaster, so I'll undoubtedly be cheery again in no time. I'll also leave you with a sweet (albeit random) video of Elliott counting. I just love her little voice, and am so impressed that she can "fake it" up to the number 20 (on a good day.) The teens usually sound something like "eh-teen, eh-teen, eh-teen..." but she almost always calls out "TWENTY!" in an overly joyous fashion. Seriously, how can the mother of this adorable tot ever feel so down in the dumps?
((Big Hug!!))
ReplyDeleteI think Ellie will be mommy's little helper and it's gonna be great! Your a million times smarter than 99.9% of the moms I see everyday at the library so you're gonna be just fine. Your kids are lucky to have you as their mom- and just think, your not working the desk during summer reading! If you can survive that you can survive anything. LOL.
Stay strong and don't let the "Shitty Committee" be your voice, your sweet, upbeat spirit will prevail. :)
Oh honey! Been there, done that. And don't feel bad for feeling the way you do, it's hard to adjust to the thought of another child. I remember the same anxieties before having Tristan and I have found that life has only increased and my love for both my children is one that I never knew I could have. You are a GREAT Mom and Elliott will survive the transition of another baby and will surprise more than you could have ever imagined. You and Ryan love each other so much, it will be okay. Will it be a little tough, yes. But I KNOW you can handle it! I know you'll survive it! And the best of all, I KNOW that you wouldn't change it for anything! You are going to have a beautiful family and I know you and Ryan will work to keep it that way. You can do this! I know you can! Okay, cheer session over. ;) Love you girl and anytime you to vent, you do it! It's amazing how much better you feel once you do. Trust me, I do it all the time. :)
ReplyDeleteLisa
You ladies are so sweet! Thanks you so much for your kind and loving words. I don't know what I'd do without friends like you (why, oh WHY do you have to live all the way down in TX?!)
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